Give me back my girlhood it was mine first

The Barbie movie, Eras Tour and The Summer I Turned Pretty...

            I took myself on a date to the Barbie movie. The weekend before I was crammed in a stadium with 72,000 other Taylor Swift fans. And, tonight I’ll be watching the season finale of The Summer I Turned Pretty in my favorite corner of the couch with my sister under a fluffy blanket.

            Something in the air this summer. It feels almost pink. I’ve been stepping on glitter. There were so many things for… me. I scroll Tiktok for team Jeremiah fans. I theorize the Barbie movie with anyone who wants to talk about it, and I mark my calendar for the re-release of 1989.

            I spent a lot of my years shoving down the feminine urge to … be feminine. Boyhood is what mattered. And maybe it wasn’t an explicit hallmark. It was demonstrated in the quiet ways it always has been. Power is to be achieved, strength is masculine, boy sports matter, feelings should be buried, and softness is shameful.

            Those lessons were quiet, but they burrowed into my skin. It doesn’t take a master of deduction to realize this thread. Girlhood is cheap, and boyhood is worthy.

I learned how to push down tears, how to get angry, but only when the time called for it, “your opinion won’t be respected if you’re too emotional”. Gradually, I lost my ability to cry at all. And I became worthy.

            I wasn’t the high maintenance girlfriend. I was … chill. I burped, and laughed at things I shouldn’t. I watched games I didn’t care about and faked interest in snowboarding.

            The one value women bring into this world was something I failed at. And I sat wondering, with my legs propped up on the wall, what am I now if not a mom?

            I’d chase success, for 89 cents to the dollar instead. Food… an inherently and historically female space, still not as valued. And success came and went. And I still wonder if it ever mattered at all.

            Until this summer, when I cried the moment Taylor came out from the stage. And I cried again at the end of the Barbie movie. And I cried the other day because … I just… felt like it. I now see that feminine things are imperative. It’s just we’re not always in a world, or at least in a group of people who appreciate it.

            I’m over the narrative that what I do is less valuable because I’m not a male. Maybe Taylor Swift had already sold 5 million records before Kanye made her famous? Maybe Greta refuses to sell off her main character into marriage because she’s reflecting a world back to us that we’re already in? Why do we keep qualifying female success?

            Maybe I don’t need a career to be okay. Maybe I just need to be true to myself and my art, regardless of whether people see the value in it at all. Because it’s pink, and celebrates backyard gardens, cat toe beans and decorating cakes. And I talk about what it’s like to be fragile, to be broken, to have big feelings and heartbreaks. It’s not for everyone, but it’s for me, and I hope it’s for you.

            Your girlhood matters. The things you loved as a little girl with stringy hair and a stuffed animal best friend… they matter too. Get in touch with those books you used to love but were too embarrassed to tell anyone about. Listen to your favorite era and search for endless easter eggs. Your opinions will still matter even if they are coming from pink sparkly lips.

Don’t forget to honor the girl in you. She’s still there. The world may not value her yet, but you can. Dance and kick and yell and be the girl you were told to suppress. Make memories with your best friends and share your deepest darkest secrets. Root for a fictional love triangle that’s sure to break your heart. That’s where the magic is. Somewhere in between the vulnerable and cringe.

Heal the girlhood you had to let go of too soon. Maybe it was taken from you. Maybe it was surrendered. I bet you can find it again. In a concert filled with swifties. In quiet debriefs on the couch with your sister. By yourself in the movie theater.

You can listen to me reading this essay here !